Ain’t Dead

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You ever just can’t breathe? You know…just some fear. That metallic taste in your mouth. The clenching, tightness at the jaws, the band around the temple…

“Fuuuuck!” is all you can think.

Forget talking.

Not gonna happen.

Life is okay overall, but you gotta fixate on the thing that is making you crazy, and scaring the shit out of you for whatever reason.

What is it for you? The job? The family? Some issue at home?

How are you going to loosen the knot? Get the breath back? Is rubbing one out gonna help? Packing a bowl? Getting in the garage?


That’s what it took for me earlier. I had to do something. I punched the guide marks and scribed the outline for the templates on the intermediary plates on my new roller skates. I just had to do something.

Things are really good overall in my life, but I got some news that was a true set-back personally…and it was really rough. OVERALL? Shit, no worries, it will all work out, but like a lot of people right now, my personal stress level was just a bit to high to have such news laid on me.

So, I grabbed my favorite hammer, and a fucking gorgeous punch that had been my Stepfather’s. I held it. I remembered him,I held it, and I set my marks and laid my hammer in and did my work and I thought about how good it is to not be dead. Not so much that being alive is making me super happy right now…but, just the contrast of not being dead seemed to be a good state to find myself in.

That was the break.

“I ain’t fucking dead….that’s a start.”

I am still dragging a little ass…but, you know?

I ain’t fucking dead.

That’s a start.

“Oh how long…

It seems I’ve waited
I’ve walked a 1,000
To see you to heaven
To see you with heaven’s glow
I know not to fight
To bringing in the light
Playing in the height of the sky
With hope, with sweet hope

And playing the pools of broken lines
With you above me
You take me on your shoulder
Sahara Mahala
And I know I want to be with you all of my days
On hallowed ground
But honey, every time we go to jail
The seeds of doubt
Come creeping
Just keep moving
On hallowed ground

Got a feeling
It seems I’ve waited
The sea, the moment of completeness
Sahara Mahala

And I’ll get in you deep inside
In these visions, visions
In the feeling you can’t kill
These visions, visions”

“Sahara Mahala” The Jezebels

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